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Psycho Stalkers Unite!

If you’re like me, you attract a lot of weirdos. Some were weird from the start and you never really invited them into your social circle to begin with… Others blindsided you with their less than desirable tendencies after they finagled their way into your life someway, somehow. You should join me in a standing ovation because these people’s acting skills are quite stellar. You never see the crazy train coming. Well, at least I never do.

#1: He likes to create a new screen name every month and follow me on Twitter. I finally just made my profile private because honestly, I like the tweeps I already have and could care less about gaining any more followers at this point. He sends me messages saying that we really need to talk, which I ignore. I know him in real life, we used to hang out a lot. he was a good friend up until the point where his compulsive lying really rubbed me the wrong way, and honestly, it was just too much drama. He has yet to let go.

#2: This one was totally my fault. It was during a confusing time in my life and I had such clouded judgment. I thought that I had feelings, that there was this connection… But in a moment of clarity, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted. I needed more time, I had a lot more soul searching to do. So I cut it off. It ended badly. There was screaming and crying. Then there was the pure rage and hatred I felt. I blocked his number from my phone and I washed my hands. It was done. Miraculously, a few years later… He must have got a new phone number. He sent a novel text about how he missed our friendship, but then brought up how I alienated him and made him feel bad. Boo fuckin’ whoo whoo. That’s part of the reason I didn’t want him in my life to begin with. Selfish all about me people are the worst kind. They are narcissistic assholes who hear what you say and then make it about them. Who asks to be your friend but reminds you of your mistakes. So, I blocked that number too. If it was going to be any kind of argument like back in the day, I didn’t have time to go round and around wasting my breath. THEN, I see that he added me to his “list” on Twitter. I don’t know what it means to be added to a list, or what it does. All I know is that my profile is still private. What can he see? Why did he do it?

Isn’t it apparent that I don’t want to talk to you anymore when I block your number from ever texting or calling me again? Am I really going to have to give up the screen name that I’ve been using since I was 18? Apparently so. I now have two nut jobs who cant move on in their lives.

Please God, tell me that they won’t multiply like gremlins…

More Moving Business

The countdown continues to tick, faster than I anticipated.  The pressure is mounting.  In one month, I will be unemployed and planning the rest of my move 921 miles south to Alabama.  Moving blind, not knowing what to expect, is just one big knot of stress in my shoulders.  I see a trip to a massage therapist in my near future.  I don’t know if it will help reduce the anxiety, but it can’t hurt to try it.

A week has passed since I sent in my rental application to the ONE apartment complex I want to live in.  No word yet as to whether or not I am approved.  What if they don’t accept me? I’ve convinced myself that if they don’t accept me, no one will.  Then what?  I can’t get a job there until I live there, and I can’t move there unless I have a place to live.  I know that worrying about it will not change the outcome, but my OCD demands that I have a plan.  I can’t have a plan if I don’t know the answers.  I NEED ANSWERS PEOPLE!! *breathes* I feel better now… kinda.

Another thing I am struggling with is the transportation of my cat during this moving process.  Click here and here to see what I found on the subject, just in case you ever have to do this yourself.  My main concern is that he isn’t traumatized by the whole experience.  I know that he will eventually be fine, I just can’t stand the thought of him being scared.  He is my fur baby and my best little buddy.  I sound ridiculous, I know, but he is my heart.  Deal with it.

Other than all that, I am gathering boxes and making lists.  Keep me in your prayers that I retain my sanity and that everything lines up.  I’m hoping all of my answers come soon and that the money lands safely in my bank account.  Lord knows that none of this will happen if anything goes wrong with the money.

So much uncertainty, so little time.

67 Days

The hot, humid and heavy air fills my lungs.  It’s so hard to breathe or even move sometimes.  Nothing is familiar, everyone is a stranger.  Then he takes my hand and holds it tight.  Everything is going to be okay.  

The way he feels when he is lying next to me is something that I can only describe as incredible.  Just the thought of being able to have that any time I want it is intoxicating.  The mornings float by, and we couldn’t be happier just laying there.  There are quiet moments, frisky moments, followed by silly moments.  And in all of those moments, I am so happy.  The only thing I can think about is him, making him smile.  Nothing else matters.

Truly, this is the biggest leap of faith that I am taking.  I have no fears.  

I am ready.

The Great Unknown

I woke up this morning with the overwhelming feeling of fear. At first, I wasn’t exactly sure why. It’s not like anything bad had happened to me or that I overdosed on the horror films this weekend. But as I listened to the radio, the music only enhanced the pit inside of my stomach. In fact, I was almost in tears by the time I pulled up to the parking structure at work.

I got to my desk, plopped down in my chair, and I realized…I’m starting over. Everything I’ve known my whole life, I’m leaving. My family, my friends… I’ve been so busy prepping everyone else for my departure in October, but I haven’t really worked on myself. I didn’t think that I needed to, as this is everything I’ve always wanted; An amazing boyfriend, another state, an adventure… These are the things I’ve dreamt about. But it’s the fear of the unknown that has begun torturing me, depriving me of sleep, clarity, certainty…

Will I be successful in finding a job? Will it be good enough to sustain a decent lifestyle? Will I make new friends? Will I miss my family so much that I get homesick? So many questions that I don’t have the answers to, it drives me insane. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am OCD when it comes to having a plan. The fine details must be laid out on the table so that I have a clear vision of what to expect. I freak out if there is no set plan. I thrive on having plans. How many times do I have to use the word ‘plan’? See what I mean?

The only thing I get to choose is where I’m going to live. The rest is up in the air and anyone’s guess. How does one move out of state and not have anything lined up? I suppose I’ll let you know once it’s happened, because that’s how I’m doing it. Am I crazy? Probably. But my gut tells me that I’m on the right road and to move forward. My gut has never failed me. Not even once. I do, however, wish that my brain would cooperate with my stomachs way of thinking. If it would just chill out on all of the thought processes, relax a little and let me sleep, it would be a lot better off.

Four Months and Counting

Just sitting here and daydreaming. I’m four months away from moving and I’m getting excited.  I’m hoping to get down to Alabama in a few weeks so me and the boy can go look at some apartments.  I’ve already got quotes on the moving truck… everything is getting really real.  This is really going to happen.  I smile every time I think about the first time I can wake up next to him in the morning and not have to worry about the ride back to the airport.

The rumor at work is that we will get our notice as soon as August 1st.  I’m getting antsy hoping for it to go down like I want it to, quick, painless and with lots of money.  Another rumor is that they are taking the 10 year cap off of the severance pay… meaning that they will pay me for every one of the 14 years I’ve been there.  Again, these are only rumors and no one really knows the truth until the day it happens.  All I know is that more money means more security, and I like security.

I just can’t wait until everything is finalized.

So be it.

If only you could see yourself through everyone else’s eyes, experience their emotions and feelings… Maybe then you would understand what it is that you’re doing. It’s no longer just about you, in fact, it never has been. If you could even grasp what everyone has already given up for you, maybe then you wouldn’t be so defiant. Still, your selfishness and narcissistic ways prevail. Do you not understand the pain and suffering we are all going through? Can you not see that you are dragging us through the mud? WE are the ones who love you, care about you, and want the best for you. Of course you don’t see it though, because your eyes have been blinded. You don’t see anything clearly anymore because you don’t want to. You don’t want to face your demons. On the outside, you play the role of a person who is in control. On the inside, you are a scared little boy who can’t cope with the truth. You don’t want to open up the wounds for everyone to see because you think we won’t understand. You don’t even want to give us a chance to understand. You don’t want to acknowledge the fact that you need help, for fear of appearing weak. How much more can we beg and plead for you to listen? At some point, you are going to have to understand that you are human and not capable of doing everything by yourself. If you don’t, you will never escape the depression that binds you. You will be a victim forever. You know that you have the most supportive people in your life, you only have to admit that you need our help. Do you think that we would not drop everything to help you? If so, then you are truly oblivious. We did it before, we would do it again, and will keep doing it as many times as it takes before you can stand on your own two feet again. But what you are doing now, it has to stop. You should know that we are taking the necessary steps to prepare for, what we feel, is the inevitable. Every week we get stronger. The only prayer I have left is that you realize that we are acting out of love. You may not see it now, but maybe one day you will. If not, well… So be it.

Novel

I’m nervous about therapy today. Last week was pretty hard to deal with emotionally, watching my mom break down and feel guilty about everything. Although the results from that session were ultimately a benefit to what we are trying to accomplish, it was still an unsavory 2 hours. It pains me to see how much of a burden my mom carries inside of her. She has always struggled with denial and she’s just now facing it for the first time. Refusing to see the truth in situations we would rather not deal with can have catastrophic results later on in life, let me tell you. The therapist says that if she doesn’t learn to take more care of her emotional needs, that the stress will tear her down and make her ill. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

I’m struggling too, although not as much as my mother. My inner demons are far less tragic, almost insignificant in comparison. But the stress eats at me more and more every day and sometimes it’s hard to cope with the simplest things. I find that my body is changing once again, and the affects taking place are causing me to feel unbalanced. I seem to have lost control of my emotions, in short spurts, feeling panic and anxiety more easily. It’s hard keeping myself in check… Not lashing out at people, holding in unnecessary tears, and keeping my active imagination at bay. I almost feel crazy at times, even though I am so far from that normally. It’s been a long time (10+ years) that I’ve maintained a normal cycle, and I now understand what most women go through on a monthly basis. I attribute my changes to being more health conscious and doing more exercise. I can’t see what else it could be, I haven’t made any other changes in my lifestyle. Regardless, I’m experiencing things for what feels like the first time. I’ve never been so fragile. I’ve always been the strong one in any kind of situation. I don’t like it, this feeling of uneasiness. I am almost afraid to express myself or the thoughts I’m dealing with for fear of the people around me noticing the difference and not embracing it. I feel really alone.

On the bright side, I’m adapting and just trying to live. I keep reminding myself that good things are around the corner, I just need to relax and be patient. It’s so hard for me to do, but I’m learning (slowly). I do really well during the day, keeping my mind busy with various tasks. It’s at night that I struggle. I’m trying my best to do what I can naturally… But the bottle of Xanax is slowly diminishing over time. Some nights, it is the only way I can sleep. It would be a lot easier if the man that I love was laying next to me. But since he is a thousand miles away right now, it isn’t really an option. It doesn’t help that I miss him so much. Everything melts away when I am with him. He makes me a better person without even having to do anything. It is definitely stressful for me when I am trying to put my best face on when I’m talking to him because I don’t want him to think I am miserable all the time. I’m not! I’m usually always happy and playful and all that is the real me… But how do you explain hormones when you yourself don’t even know what the hell you are talking about?! The longer we are apart, the more I fear him losing interest in me. I believe him when he tells me that he loves me. I’ve seen it in his eyes enough to know that it’s the truth. I just don’t want him to forget that feeling. He has turned out to be everything I have ever wanted in a man, friend and companion. I need to be with him again, and soon, so that I can rekindle the fire and revive myself and my sanity (if that’s possible, lol)!

No Control

Little by little, I feel it slipping away from me. What was solid before now feels like water cupped in my hands.

I can’t really tell you when I became so fragile. There are certain events that have taken place, which I know have contributed to my state of being. But there is more responsible for this than just those few incidents.

But the details don’t matter. All I know is that right now, I need to not feel forgotten or insignificant.

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